Tell Me a Joke

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lshap
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Tell Me a Joke

Post by lshap »

I thought it would be fun to collect favorite jokes, puns, etc. Doesn't have to be awesome or original.

I think memes and clips are covered under other threads, so maybe more traditional format can go here.

I know like three, so here's the first
A tourist group is on a helicopter tour out of Las Vegas. They soar over the Grand Canyon as the pilot explains its geology and history over the headphones.

"And by that time, the...what is that? Folks, there appears to be something down there that wasn't there last week. I'm going a little lower."

He goes in deeper, and passengers can just barely make out what appears to be a brightly colored carriage lying on its side.
"Is that...a horse and carriage? What on earth?"

The pilot goes closer still, until writing can be seen on the side of the buggy.
"Can anyone read that?"

One eagle- eyed passenger shouts back, "Yes! It says, Evil Jose"
-linguist
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lshap
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by lshap »

Q: What do you call someone who speaks three or more languages?
A: Multilingual? Polyglot?

Q: What about someone who speaks two?
A: Bilingual?

Q: And someone who speaks one?
A: Monolingual?

No. American.
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Shem
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by Shem »

lshap wrote: 24 Apr 2021, 07:00 I thought it would be fun to collect favorite jokes, puns, etc. Doesn't have to be awesome or original.

I think memes and clips are covered under other threads, so maybe more traditional format can go here.

I know like three, so here's the first
A tourist group is on a helicopter tour out of Las Vegas. They soar over the Grand Canyon as the pilot explains its geology and history over the headphones.

"And by that time, the...what is that? Folks, there appears to be something down there that wasn't there last week. I'm going a little lower."

He goes in deeper, and passengers can just barely make out what appears to be a brightly colored carriage lying on its side.
"Is that...a horse and carriage? What on earth?"

The pilot goes closer still, until writing can be seen on the side of the buggy.
"Can anyone read that?"

One eagle- eyed passenger shouts back, "Yes! It says, Evil Jose"
Have to confess, I don't get it.
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thoreau
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by thoreau »

Ditto.
"...if that monkey gets any smarter it's going to start shorting TSLA."
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Number 6
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by Number 6 »

As opposed to Evil Kanevil (no idea on spelling, and too lazy to look it up.)
Middle America is bestest America
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Kolohe
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by Kolohe »

Ah thank you.
when you wake up as the queen of the n=1 kingdom and mount your steed non sequiturius, do you look out upon all you survey and think “damn, it feels good to be a green idea sleeping furiously?" - dhex
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lshap
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by lshap »

Number 6 wrote: 24 Apr 2021, 14:10 As opposed to Evil Kanevil (no idea on spelling, and too lazy to look it up.)
Yeah. Not a great joke, just one of the few I remember.
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Warren
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by Warren »

lshap wrote: 24 Apr 2021, 18:24
Number 6 wrote: 24 Apr 2021, 14:10 As opposed to Evil Kanevil (no idea on spelling, and too lazy to look it up.)
Yeah. Not a great joke, just one of the few I remember.
Also pretty fuckin racist.
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thoreau
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by thoreau »

I like Soviet jokes.

So Brezhnev invited his mother to see how well he was living. He showed her his nice clothes, nice house, his car, fancy watches, the gifts he was able to buy for his mistresses. And she nodded politely at everything but seemed really nervous. Finally he says to her "Mom, aren't you happy for me? Look at all the nice things I have!"

And she says "It is all very nice, Leonid, but still, I worry."

"Why do you worry, Mom?"

"What if the Communists come back?"
"...if that monkey gets any smarter it's going to start shorting TSLA."
--JD
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by D.A. Ridgely »

A guy's driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he's doing is he's taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, "Wouldn't it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?" And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, "What's time to a pig?"
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thoreau
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by thoreau »

"...if that monkey gets any smarter it's going to start shorting TSLA."
--JD
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Warren
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by Warren »

At the end of a big construction job the three brick layers are admiring their work. In short order they begin to challenge each other's manhood.

The Native American mason declares that can throw a brick higher than any other. He gets up and plucks a red brick off the pile of unlaid bricks, and with scarcely a grunt, heaves it into the air. Then he sits down and lights a cigarette and casually puffs on it till he smokes it down to the butt. At the very moment he crushes it out, the brick hits the ground with a thud.

"Huh" says the black mason, and he goes over to the brick pile and starts rummaging through it till he finds a black brick. He lets out a loud yell as he winds up and chucks the brick skyward. Then he sits down and pulls out a cigar. As he extinguishes the butt under his heal, the black brick strikes the ground with such force it explodes.

"You fellas tain't seen nothin yet" says the Irishman. He strolls over to the pile and begins tossing bricks over his shoulder. Brick after brick he discards, until he has scattered the bulk of the pile. At last he triumphantly holds aloft a green brick. "Aye Begorrah" he cries as he takes a running start, jumps off the wheelbarrow, onto the cement mixer and throws the brick into the air. He takes a flask from his hip pocket, unscrews the cap and takes a long pull. After he replaces the cap and stuffs the flask back into his pocket, he says "See you around gents" and walks away.

AND NEITHER HE, NOR THE GREEN BRICK EVER CAME BACK :lol:
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Ellie
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by Ellie »

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Do you know why, when geese fly in a V-formation, one leg of the V is longer than the other?
It's because there are more birds flying on that side.

I've learned to cut wood just by looking at it! It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Like baptists at the glory hole

"oh dear" they mutter, unzipping their pants

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dhex
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by dhex »

An Englishman scot and Irishman are in a pub when three flies land in their beers.

The Englishman pushes the beer away in disgust and goes home because they're the worst race.

The scot shrugs, removes the fly, and drinks his beer.

The Irishman grabs the fly by the wings and screams "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!"
"i ran over the cat and didnt stop just carried on with tears in my eyes joose driving my way to work." - God
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lshap
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by lshap »

Warren wrote: 24 Apr 2021, 18:38
lshap wrote: 24 Apr 2021, 18:24
Number 6 wrote: 24 Apr 2021, 14:10 As opposed to Evil Kanevil (no idea on spelling, and too lazy to look it up.)
Yeah. Not a great joke, just one of the few I remember.
Also pretty fuckin racist.
When i first heard it as a kid, I think that was what struck me, and why I remember it.
In modern days, I prefer to mentally normalize it as, just some random dude in the desert who happens to be named Jose.

But... yeah, still probably a stretch.
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lunchstealer
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by lunchstealer »

mrs lunch has exactly one joke. "Why am I scared to shave my legs in the shower? I'm worried I'll lose a nipple."

I'm a fan of Latvia jokes - which I think have been discussed here before, but here's a list.

https://www.sadanduseless.com/latvian-jokes/

Things like

Knock Knock
Who there?
Latvian
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is very cold.


Two Latvians look at clouds.
I see a potato
I see impossible dream
Is same cloud.

They are dumb, lazy jokes about bleakness and futility and I love them.
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Jennifer
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by Jennifer »

This is one Jeff told me when we were dating:

Did you hear about the gay Jew who wanted to become a Catholic?
[holds arms in crucifixion pose]
He heard they had a guy hung like this.
"Myself, despite what they say about libertarians, I think we're actually allowed to pursue options beyond futility or sucking the dicks of the powerful." -- Eric the .5b
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JD
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by JD »

This one only really works out loud:

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
I sort of feel like a sucker about aspiring to be intellectually rigorous when I could just go on twitter and say capitalism causes space herpes and no one will challenge me on it. - Hugh Akston
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lshap
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by lshap »

My final joke:

Little Red Riding enters the forest with her basket, on her way to visit sick grandma.

A wolf appears! He says, "Little Red Riding Hood, you had better run! If I catch you, I'm going to

Pull your little red cap off,
Pull your little red dress up, and
Screw your little red socks off!

She runs, and gets nearer to grandma's, but the wolf is fast, too. He chases her, repeating,

When I catch you, I'm going to
Pull your little red cap off,
Pull your little red dress up, and
Screw your little red socks off!

She reaches grandma's cabin and runs around back and grabs a shotgun. But the wolf has caught up. He opens his jaws, snarls, and says

Little Red Riding Hood! Now that I've caught you I'm going to
Pull your little red cap off,
Pull your little red dress up, and
Screw your little red socks off!

Little Red Riding Hood cocks the shotgun, points it at him and replies,

No you're not!
I've got a gun!

Now eat me, like you're supposed to!
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JD
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by JD »

I have a bunch of Norski jokes, although most of them are really more along the lines of shaggy dog stories, and you really have to tell them with the accent. For example...

Sven, Ole, and Lars are at the diner one day, eating and reading the newspaper, when they notice that the Minnesota State Police are advertising for new recruits. They all agree that that would be a good job, so they set off to the state police offices to apply.

When they get there, the recruiting officer takes their details, and explains to them that he's going to give them some aptitude tests to see if they would make good police officers. He shows Sven a photo of a man briefly, then turns it over, and says, "OK, now tell me what you remember about the man." And Sven confidently says, "I would recognize dat feller anywhere, because he only got da one eye."

The recruiting officer's jaw drops, and he looks at the photo again, and then says, "He doesn't have one eye! It's a profile picture! Don't you know what that is?" Shaking his head, he moves onto Ole, showing him the picture briefly, covering it, and saying, "OK, tell me what you remember about the man." And Ole immediately says, "I would recognize dat feller anywhere! Because dat feller only got da one ear."

The recruiting officer angrily snaps, "It's a profile! Don't any of you know get that?" and he turns to Lars, and shows him the photo. Lars thinks for a moment, and then he says, "Dat feller wears da contact lenses." And the officer is amazed, because he happens to know that the man in the photo does wear contact lenses. He says, "That's amazing! You're right, but how did you know that?"

And Lars says, "Well, wid da one eye and da one ear, he ain't gonna be wearin' da regular glasses!"
I sort of feel like a sucker about aspiring to be intellectually rigorous when I could just go on twitter and say capitalism causes space herpes and no one will challenge me on it. - Hugh Akston
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JD
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by JD »

And I'm reminded of this Soviet joke:

An old veteran has been waiting on line for hours at the butcher shop, when the manager comes out and announces that the shop is completely out of meat. The old man gets very angry, and yells, "This is outrageous! I fought and bled for this country in the Great Patriotic War, and this is the kind of thanks I get? This is bullshit!"

A burly man in a coat sidles up to him, and murmurs in his ear, "Be careful, comrade. You know what could have happened to you only a few years ago for an outburst like that," and mimes shooting the old man with his fingers, before walking away.

The old man goes home to his wife, and when she sees him come in empty-handed, she says, "So they were out of meat?"
"It's worse than that," he says, "They're out of bullets too."
I sort of feel like a sucker about aspiring to be intellectually rigorous when I could just go on twitter and say capitalism causes space herpes and no one will challenge me on it. - Hugh Akston
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lunchstealer
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Re: Tell Me a Joke

Post by lunchstealer »

So one astronaut says to the other astronaut he says

"I can't find any milk for my coffee"

So the second astronaut says to the first one

"In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
"Dude she's the Purdue Pharma of the black pill." - JasonL

"This thread is like a dog park where everyone lets their preconceptions and biases run around and sniff each others butts." - Hugh Akston

"That's just tokenism with extra steps." - Jake
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