Squick warning: I'm about to talk about an... uhh... anal hygiene device in my home.
This means I'm going to talk about the state of my anal hygiene. Which means that, should you continue reading, you're probably going to end up with a mental image of my anus in your head whether you want it or not. You may already have one, in fact (you're welcome!). Anyway...
It should come as no surprise to anyone to discover that I do, indeed, have a backside, and that sometimes said backside needs to -- ahem -- extrude unpleasant substances.
Upon such extrusion, the traditional US response is to grab wads of paper and, effectively, smear it around until it seems more-or-less gone. Other, less medieval methods exist in the world, however, and their prices have come down significantly over the past five years or so. So last week, I finally spent the money and spent $300 on a "Clean Sense dib-1500R Bidet Seat"
So this thing replaces the seat and lid of the existing toilet, and comes with the bits you need to feed water into it. That tube you see lurking under the bowl retracts until it is summoned; that's where the water sprays from. It's a pretty fancy thing; it's got all sorts of bells and whistles, to wit:
- It has a dual sprayer, so it not only cleans the backside, it can clean lady-specific bits as well, assuming you have those.
- You can control the nozzle position and pressure with the remote.
- You can control seat temperature and water temperature.
- There's a little fan and deodorizing filter, so air in the bowl gets marginally less horrible by the time most of it gets to the rest of the bathroom/house/neighborhood/county.
- It's got an automatic air dryer that kicks on after the spraying ends. You can control its temperature, too.
- There's a somewhat intimidating "enema" function as well, which the user manual says little about; it just says something along the lines of "When using this setting, water will enter the rectum."
- It's got a child setting, which auto-adjusts the nozzle position and pressure for the little ones, I guess.
- It's got presets for up to four different users.
So... what's it like? Well, the first time I used it, I wanted very much for it to stop, because the feeling was just so... alien. It wasn't painful, and it's not actually unpleasant, once you get used to it. But I'm an American, so to me, it was just weird
. I've used it several times, now, though, and I'm coming to really appreciate how well it works, and now that I'm not afraid that it's going to do something both exciting and unwelcome down there, I can relax and enjoy it. I'm getting used to it now, and I now suspect that the long-term downside will be that I'm going to feel distinctly less comfortable with the old-fashioned way of doing things when I'm not at home.
Of course, I couldn't give you a proper review without at least trying the "enema" function, so yesterday I did so. Going from "wash" to "enema" was roughly like going from a slightly overachieving drinking fountain to an inexplicably angry super soaker. The sensation wasn't painful, but it was bizarre
. You know that pleasant feeling of going from full to empty after a proper poo? It's like that, but in reverse... and then forward again as you expel all that water. I expect that it worked, and for all I know I had a thoroughly spotless rectum, but I was unable to interest any passers-by in verifying that for me.
Overall, I'm quite happy with the purchase, and I'm worried I might become disgustingly evangelical about it. But goddamn, is this a step up from traditional practices 'round these parts. Recommended.
"Facebook is like a locker room with all the players screaming at each other how much they have to win and then forgetting they have to take the field and actually play the gawddamn game." -- D.A. Ridgely