News that could have been in the Onion

[Tuco]

All teachers and students must master escrima.

I am voting for you. If old man Quijote taught us anything, it's that if you're going to be futile, do it in fucking style.

[Shem]

Goldman Sachs asks in biotech research report: 'Is curing patients a sustainable business model?'

[JasonL]

It sounds terrible but it is a thing to be discussed. The revenue model has to shift, and you should talk about that.

[thoreau]

Child laborers who need constant treatments are less productive and require more expensive maintenance than the ones who can be cured and then indentured as payment for the cure.

Do you guys even libertarian?

[Shem]

It sounds terrible but it is a thing to be discussed. The revenue model has to shift, and you should talk about that.

It does, but what kind of moron is dumb enough to pose the question that way? People are already suspicious that profit motive keeps them from getting care. Do you want nationalized medicine? Because that's how you get nationalized medicine.

[JasonL]

Agree. I'd like the world to be like "of course profitability = sustainability of the thing we want to do" but that's totes out of bound to say out loud.

[JD]

New Yorkers call the police to report a tiger on the loose! But it turned out just to be a large raccoon.

[Ellie]

It must have been an extremely large raccoon!

[Eric the .5b]

All teachers and students must master escrima.

Well, put that way...

[Mo]

OK, it's not quite as dumb as a bucket of rocks, but...Millcreek School District Arms Teachers with Baseball Bats

...oh wait, yes it is just as dumb:

According to Hall, the 16-inch bats were distributed to each teacher, following an in-service training day on how to respond to school shootings.
...
Hall says the bats are primarily "symbolic", but they are now an option for teachers to use, should they need to fight back in a school shooting.

Millcreek Education Association president Jon Cacchione says he supports the decision to arm teachers with bats, which will be locked up in each classroom.

My prediction: within 1 year, about 300 of the bats will have gone missing and the majority of the remaining 200 will be covered in dust and shoved behind other things in the back of the closet.

In fairness, a brickbat can be a somewhat effective weapon in close quarters.

[Eric the .5b]

I still want to see high school escrima tourneys.

[lunchstealer]

I didn't know that this wasn't just an alternate spelling of l'escrime.

[Pham Nuwen]

Escrima?

*sigh*

Fine. I'll google it. But It had better not awaken anything in me dammit.

[JasonL]

Still waiting for the escrima Jedi

[JD]

OK, it's not quite as dumb as a bucket of rocks, but...Millcreek School District Arms Teachers with Baseball Bats

...oh wait, yes it is just as dumb:

According to Hall, the 16-inch bats were distributed to each teacher, following an in-service training day on how to respond to school shootings.
...
Hall says the bats are primarily "symbolic", but they are now an option for teachers to use, should they need to fight back in a school shooting.

Millcreek Education Association president Jon Cacchione says he supports the decision to arm teachers with bats, which will be locked up in each classroom.

My prediction: within 1 year, about 300 of the bats will have gone missing and the majority of the remaining 200 will be covered in dust and shoved behind other things in the back of the closet.

In fairness, a brickbat can be a somewhat effective weapon in close quarters.

Not sure I understand the applicability - a brickbat is not any kind of bat.

[Aresen]

Escrima?

*sigh*

Fine. I'll google it. But It had better not awaken anything in me dammit.

Before I googled it, I guessed several possibilites:

1) A new face cream produced by L'Oreal
2) Advanced macrame
3) A new dairy product
4) A new dating app

None of them seemed to fit the context of the conversation.

[Mo]

OK, it's not quite as dumb as a bucket of rocks, but...Millcreek School District Arms Teachers with Baseball Bats

...oh wait, yes it is just as dumb:

According to Hall, the 16-inch bats were distributed to each teacher, following an in-service training day on how to respond to school shootings.
...
Hall says the bats are primarily "symbolic", but they are now an option for teachers to use, should they need to fight back in a school shooting.

Millcreek Education Association president Jon Cacchione says he supports the decision to arm teachers with bats, which will be locked up in each classroom.

My prediction: within 1 year, about 300 of the bats will have gone missing and the majority of the remaining 200 will be covered in dust and shoved behind other things in the back of the closet.

In fairness, a brickbat can be a somewhat effective weapon in close quarters.

Not sure I understand the applicability - a brickbat is not any kind of bat.

I believe what is now known as a tire thumper was also known as a brick bat.

[Warren]

OK, it's not quite as dumb as a bucket of rocks, but...Millcreek School District Arms Teachers with Baseball Bats

...oh wait, yes it is just as dumb:

According to Hall, the 16-inch bats were distributed to each teacher, following an in-service training day on how to respond to school shootings.
...
Hall says the bats are primarily "symbolic", but they are now an option for teachers to use, should they need to fight back in a school shooting.

Millcreek Education Association president Jon Cacchione says he supports the decision to arm teachers with bats, which will be locked up in each classroom.

My prediction: within 1 year, about 300 of the bats will have gone missing and the majority of the remaining 200 will be covered in dust and shoved behind other things in the back of the closet.

In fairness, a brickbat can be a somewhat effective weapon in close quarters.

Not sure I understand the applicability - a brickbat is not any kind of bat.

I believe what is now known as a tire thumper was also known as a brick bat.

I don't think so.

[Mo]

Regardless, a tire thumper is a small baseball bat and makes a decent weapon.

[Aresen]

Oliver North to be NRA's new president

[Warren]

Oliver North to be NRA's new president

I err... okay.

WTF CNN? That video is 30 years old. It's not like the man has been living in a cave all this time.

[thoreau]

They're already on it: NRA Touts Oliver North’s Expertise At Avoiding Jail Time For Colluding With Hostile Foreign Powers

[Ellie]

"New CIA report has concluded that North Korea does not intend to give up its nuclear weapons any time soon, but might open a burger joint."

[Aresen]

"New CIA report has concluded that North Korea does not intend to give up its nuclear weapons any time soon, but might open a burger joint."

"The Un Burger"

[thoreau]

Months of talks between Jared Kushner and Kim Kardashian is set to culminate in a meeting with President Trump, in which the reality-TV star will ask him to pardon a 62-year-old great-grandmother serving a life sentence without parole for a first-time drug offense.

EDIT: I predicted this. viewtopic.php?f=4&t=2432&p=358582#p358582