News that could have been in the Onion

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dbcooper
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by dbcooper » 01 Jun 2017, 20:50

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Slip inside a sleeping bag.

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Warren
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Warren » 01 Jun 2017, 20:57

I'm surprised he didn't wrap himself in it.
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Aresen
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Aresen » 01 Jun 2017, 21:06

What is his left hand doing in his front pocket?
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by lunchstealer » 02 Jun 2017, 17:49

Aresen wrote:What is his left hand doing in his front pocket?
He's gotta do something to pass the time, I suppose.
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nicole
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by nicole » 15 Jun 2017, 09:58

Ouch.
Chicago crime has led Enterprise’s car-sharing operation to cancel existing reservations in the area and stop taking new ones, the company says.

Enterprise CarShare has had “a lack of vehicle availability” for the past six weeks, as "a direct effect of significant vandalism, theft and fraud," the company told its members via email Tuesday.

About 40 percent of Enterprise CarShare’s fleet had been involved in theft or vandalism, a company spokesman said. A Chicago Police Department spokesman could not immediately comment on whether the department was conducting a broad investigation of the incidents.

The Enterprise CarShare email encouraged members to contact traditional Enterprise Rent-A-Car branch offices "for alternate mobility solutions."

"Enterprise will continue to focus on meeting the transportation needs of Chicagoland, regardless of whether you need a vehicle for an hour, a week or longer," the email said.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/bluesky/o ... story.html
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Highway
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Highway » 24 Aug 2017, 10:26

Calgary International Airport gets new branding / sponsorship deal with Lexus. They then proceed to replace handicapped-accessible spots with Lexus Reserved spots.
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by thoreau » 02 Nov 2017, 18:39

News: Melania Trump to be protected by special all-female Japanese police squad

Onion:
A Closer Look At Biden's New Bodyguards
Earlier this week Vice President Joe Biden replaced his traditional Secret Service detail with a team of sexy female bodyguards. This morning the White House released these bios of the women Biden calls "Joe’s Guardian Vixens."
"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
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lunchstealer
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by lunchstealer » 02 Nov 2017, 20:22

I can see why she'd be cautious about being protected by some all-male police squads...

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Eric the .5b
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Eric the .5b » 02 Nov 2017, 22:23

lunchstealer wrote:
02 Nov 2017, 20:22
I can see why she'd be cautious about being protected by some all-male police squads...

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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Warren » 06 Nov 2017, 11:18

'Game of Thrones' Comes to Saudi Arabia (NYT)

The crown prince of Saudi Arabia is cracking down on corruption by arresting all his rivals, taking their shit, and consolidating his power.

cross posted
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Sandy » 06 Dec 2017, 11:02

Hindu is the cricket of religions. You can observe it for years, you can have enthusiasts try to explain it to you, and it's still baffling. - Warren

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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Warren » 07 Dec 2017, 14:00

This is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night: That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me.
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Aresen » 07 Dec 2017, 15:49

Warren wrote:
07 Dec 2017, 14:00
This is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night: That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me.
Stop worrying. They'll just give you one last massive jolt of fentanyl. Enjoy the trip
If Trump supporters wanted a tough guy, why did they elect such a whiny bitch? - Mo

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JD
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by JD » 07 Dec 2017, 16:03

"Millennials are lazy. They'd rather have avocado toast than cave in a man's skull with a tire iron!" -FFF

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Sandy
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Sandy » 07 Dec 2017, 16:26

Warren wrote:
07 Dec 2017, 14:00
This is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night: That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me.
Nah, it'll just be the latest wave of immigrants.
Hindu is the cricket of religions. You can observe it for years, you can have enthusiasts try to explain it to you, and it's still baffling. - Warren

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thoreau
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by thoreau » 24 Jan 2018, 11:41

"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

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Aresen
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Aresen » 24 Jan 2018, 16:28

Sandy wrote:
07 Dec 2017, 16:26
Warren wrote:
07 Dec 2017, 14:00
This is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night: That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me.
Nah, it'll just be the latest wave of immigrants.
I find that reassuring. I wonder which shithole language I should learn.
If Trump supporters wanted a tough guy, why did they elect such a whiny bitch? - Mo

Those who know history are doomed to deja vu. - the innominate one

Most people don't realize Stephen King downplayed the horror that is Maine. - Jennifer

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Warren
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Warren » 24 Jan 2018, 16:51

Aresen wrote:
24 Jan 2018, 16:28
Sandy wrote:
07 Dec 2017, 16:26
Warren wrote:
07 Dec 2017, 14:00
This is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night: That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me.
Nah, it'll just be the latest wave of immigrants.
I find that reassuring. I wonder which shithole language I should learn.
Spanish is your best bet if you're playing the odds.
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JD
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by JD » 24 Mar 2018, 10:15

OK, this has actually got to be from the Onion. Right? Right?

This school district's plan to stop shooters: Arming students with a bucket of rocks
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Warren
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Warren » 24 Mar 2018, 10:44

JD wrote:
24 Mar 2018, 10:15
OK, this has actually got to be from the Onion. Right? Right?

This school district's plan to stop shooters: Arming students with a bucket of rocks
Every classroom has been equipped with a five-gallon bucket of river stone
What could possibly go wrong?
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Ellie
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Ellie » 24 Mar 2018, 10:46

They don't need the whole bucket. They just need one shooter-repelling rock from Lisa Simpson.
I should have listened to Warren. He was right again as usual.

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Fin Fang Foom
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Fin Fang Foom » 24 Mar 2018, 11:13

". . . even the federalist folk are probably a bit wary, and they're essentially cosplaying the preacher from footloose." - dhex

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Aresen
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Aresen » 26 Mar 2018, 15:45

If Trump supporters wanted a tough guy, why did they elect such a whiny bitch? - Mo

Those who know history are doomed to deja vu. - the innominate one

Most people don't realize Stephen King downplayed the horror that is Maine. - Jennifer

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JD
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by JD » 11 Apr 2018, 13:43

OK, it's not quite as dumb as a bucket of rocks, but...Millcreek School District Arms Teachers with Baseball Bats

...oh wait, yes it is just as dumb:
According to Hall, the 16-inch bats were distributed to each teacher, following an in-service training day on how to respond to school shootings.
...
Hall says the bats are primarily "symbolic", but they are now an option for teachers to use, should they need to fight back in a school shooting.

Millcreek Education Association president Jon Cacchione says he supports the decision to arm teachers with bats, which will be locked up in each classroom.
My prediction: within 1 year, about 300 of the bats will have gone missing and the majority of the remaining 200 will be covered in dust and shoved behind other things in the back of the closet.
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Fin Fang Foom
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Fin Fang Foom » 11 Apr 2018, 13:48

All teachers and students must master escrima.
". . . even the federalist folk are probably a bit wary, and they're essentially cosplaying the preacher from footloose." - dhex

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