News that could have been in the Onion

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thoreau
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News that could have been in the Onion

Post by thoreau » 25 Sep 2011, 11:18

A thread for news stories that aren't made-up but seem like they could have been in the Onion:
Five miles southeast of the gleaming Capitol dome, on a scenic bluff overlooking the confluence of the Potomac and Anacostia rivers, the future office of the secretary of Homeland Security sits boarded up and abandoned.

Four years ago, U.S. officials announced plans to renovate the dilapidated, castle-like structure —opened in 1855 as the Government Hospital for the Insane — to anchor Washington's largest construction project since the Pentagon was built 70 years ago.
Putting the Department of Homeland Security in the former home of Charles Guiteau and John Hinckley somehow seems quite appropriate.

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld ... 3164.story
"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
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D.A. Ridgely
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by D.A. Ridgely » 25 Sep 2011, 11:34

thoreau wrote:A thread for news stories that aren't made-up but seem like they could have been in the Onion:
Five miles southeast of the gleaming Capitol dome, on a scenic bluff overlooking the confluence of the Potomac and Anacostia rivers, the future office of the secretary of Homeland Security sits boarded up and abandoned.

Four years ago, U.S. officials announced plans to renovate the dilapidated, castle-like structure —opened in 1855 as the Government Hospital for the Insane — to anchor Washington's largest construction project since the Pentagon was built 70 years ago.
Putting the Department of Homeland Security in the former home of Charles Guiteau and John Hinckley somehow seems quite appropriate.

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld ... 3164.story
Let's not forget famous "if not crazy then traitorous" alum, Ezra Pound, either!

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My wife worked one summer at St. Elizabeth's, by the way, in a student internship of sorts. The funny part about that was that her supervisor was a raging (literally, an anger management candidate!) alcoholic.

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thoreau
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by thoreau » 26 Sep 2011, 00:39

My wife saw Newt Gingrich in the SNL skit about the GOP debate. Her response was "This must be a joke! Newt Gingrich is actually running?"

By the end of 2012, I expect to be unable to tell whether I'm reading The Onion or a mainstream news publication.
"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
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Hugh Akston
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Hugh Akston » 27 Sep 2011, 22:19

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Re: News that [s]could have been[/s] *was* in the Onion

Post by Kolohe » 28 Sep 2011, 20:16

when you wake up as the queen of the n=1 kingdom and mount your steed non sequiturius, do you look out upon all you survey and think “damn, it feels good to be a green idea sleeping furiously?" - dhex

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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by D.A. Ridgely » 21 Dec 2011, 20:06


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Kolohe
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Kolohe » 25 Feb 2012, 15:27

when you wake up as the queen of the n=1 kingdom and mount your steed non sequiturius, do you look out upon all you survey and think “damn, it feels good to be a green idea sleeping furiously?" - dhex

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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by mk » 25 Feb 2012, 19:40

My wife worked one summer at St. Elizabeth's, by the way, in a student internship of sorts. The funny part about that was that her supervisor was a raging (literally, an anger management candidate!) alcoholic.
I know a lot of people in the Mental Health industry, through work and through friends. St. Elizabeth's had quite a reputation as a nightmarish place to work way back in the day. It seems like a fitting place for DHS.

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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by thoreau » 28 Sep 2012, 13:49

http://www.salon.com/2012/09/28/weird_n ... n_article/

Iran's official news service reprinted an Onion article.
"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Aresen » 28 Sep 2012, 14:04

thoreau wrote:http://www.salon.com/2012/09/28/weird_n ... n_article/

Iran's official news service reprinted an Onion article.
Honestly, when I first saw that item in The Onion, I wondered if there was 'more truth than poetry' to it.
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thoreau
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by thoreau » 28 Sep 2012, 14:11

Well, Ahmadinejad is most definitely an Aryan....

EDIT: And according to every Iranian I've ever known, they are the master race.
"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Aresen » 28 Sep 2012, 16:23

If Trump supporters wanted a tough guy, why did they elect such a whiny bitch? - Mo

Those who know history are doomed to deja vu. - the innominate one

Never bring a knife to a joke fight" - dhex

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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Hugh Akston » 12 Oct 2012, 17:54

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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Aresen » 12 Oct 2012, 18:06

Why not Canada? We haven't invaded anybody. Well, except maybe Arizona, Florida and Hawaii. ('But they welcomed us with open arms.' as the saying goes.)
If Trump supporters wanted a tough guy, why did they elect such a whiny bitch? - Mo

Those who know history are doomed to deja vu. - the innominate one

Never bring a knife to a joke fight" - dhex

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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by lunchstealer » 12 Oct 2012, 19:13

Aresen wrote:
Why not Canada? We haven't invaded anybody. Well, except maybe Arizona, Florida and Hawaii. ('But they welcomed us with open arms.' as the saying goes.)
And South Carolina, for the low-rent Canucks.
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by GinSlinger » 13 Oct 2012, 06:26

OFFS. Really?

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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by lunchstealer » 13 Oct 2012, 20:44

@UOJim wrote:Breaking: European Union and Aang San Suu Ki announce new, joint program of global, drone-based assassinations.
"The constitution is more of a BDSM agreement with a safe word." - Sandy

"Neoliberalism. Austerity. Booga booga!!!!" - JasonL

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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Eric the .5b » 13 Oct 2012, 23:34

I was thinking, yeah, the EU's next step is either to kill a Hell of a lot of people or be viciously beaten by the guards...
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thoreau
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by thoreau » 18 Oct 2012, 21:14

The death of Newsweek's print edition is, in fact, Onion news:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/thrivi ... f-b,29977/
"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

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JD
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by JD » 23 Oct 2012, 13:23

Man flashes samurai sword to break up fight
KSAZ-TV reports that the man pulled out his weapon after a fight broke out early Saturday morning.

Passenger Juan Vargas says passengers all got quiet once the sword-wielding man got involved.

Valley Metro and Phoenix Police are investigating the case but no arrests have been made.
There were some things I liked about Arizona, one of them being that if you felt like carrying a weapon, including a samurai sword, it was your own damn business.
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Aresen » 23 Oct 2012, 13:36

JD wrote:Man flashes samurai sword to break up fight
KSAZ-TV reports that the man pulled out his weapon after a fight broke out early Saturday morning.

Passenger Juan Vargas says passengers all got quiet once the sword-wielding man got involved.

Valley Metro and Phoenix Police are investigating the case but no arrests have been made.
There were some things I liked about Arizona, one of them being that if you felt like carrying a weapon, including a samurai sword, it was your own damn business.
Well, I have to admit the threat of bisection would calm me down.
If Trump supporters wanted a tough guy, why did they elect such a whiny bitch? - Mo

Those who know history are doomed to deja vu. - the innominate one

Never bring a knife to a joke fight" - dhex

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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by pistoffnick » 23 Oct 2012, 14:13

Always be suspicious of people who have, or crave, power. - Stanley Kubrick
"Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under." - H.L. Mencken
"The welfare of humanity is always the alibi of tyrants." - Albert Camus

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Eric the .5b
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Eric the .5b » 23 Oct 2012, 14:28

Aresen wrote:
JD wrote:Man flashes samurai sword to break up fight
KSAZ-TV reports that the man pulled out his weapon after a fight broke out early Saturday morning.

Passenger Juan Vargas says passengers all got quiet once the sword-wielding man got involved.

Valley Metro and Phoenix Police are investigating the case but no arrests have been made.
There were some things I liked about Arizona, one of them being that if you felt like carrying a weapon, including a samurai sword, it was your own damn business.
Well, I have to admit the threat of bisection would calm me down.
Stephenson used that for a bit in Snow Crash as to why the lead carried a katana instead of a gun in the anarcho-capitalist chaos - big blades intimidate violent people better. I find myself skeptical, but hey.
"Better that ten guilty persons escape than that one innocent suffer."
"Cyberpunk never really gave the government enough credit for their ability to secure a favorable prenup during the Corporate-State wedding." - Shem

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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by Mo » 23 Oct 2012, 14:42

So that's how Thailand got a carrier.
his voice is so soothing, but why do conspiracy nuts always sound like Batman and Robin solving one of Riddler's puzzles out loud? - fod

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thoreau
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Re: News that could have been in the Onion

Post by thoreau » 24 Oct 2012, 18:42

The Onion's coverage of GOP candidates speaking about rape and pregnancy is, honestly, as good as any other coverage out there:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/mother ... -wh,30083/
"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

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