Onion that could've been in The News

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Warren
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Warren » 09 Feb 2016, 14:34

lunchstealer wrote:
JD wrote:This one is awesome (even if it is a few years old)

US Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths
Millions of U.S. flag–related injuries and fatalities have been reported over a 230-year period in locations as far flung as Europe, Cuba, Korea, Gettysburg, PA, the Philippines, and Iraq. In addition, the company found that U.S. flag exports to Vietnam during the late 1960s and early 1970s resulted in hundreds of thousands of deaths, a clear sign that there was something seriously wrong with its product.
Consumers will have a choice of replacement options. Abortions for some, tiny American flags for others.
I voted for Kodos.
THIS SPACE FOR RENT

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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 01 Apr 2016, 13:15

"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 24 Jun 2016, 22:15

"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 05 Aug 2016, 11:38

Paul Ryan: ‘The Comments Donald Trump Will Make Over The Next Few Months Are Regrettable’
Addressing recent inflammatory comments made by the GOP nominee, Ryan added that he just had a productive conversation identical to the dozens more he will have over the next three months with Trump.
"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

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Aresen
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Aresen » 05 Aug 2016, 11:46

thoreau wrote:Paul Ryan: ‘The Comments Donald Trump Will Make Over The Next Few Months Are Regrettable’
Addressing recent inflammatory comments made by the GOP nominee, Ryan added that he just had a productive conversation identical to the dozens more he will have over the next three months with Trump.
Paul Ryan would probably just nod and sigh if he saw that now. If he survives next Tuesday, it is going to be a long three months.
If Trump supporters wanted a tough guy, why did they elect such a whiny bitch? - Mo

Those who know history are doomed to deja vu. - the innominate one

Most people don't realize Stephen King downplayed the horror that is Maine. - Jennifer

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Jennifer
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Jennifer » 05 Aug 2016, 11:55

Paul Ryan: "Pornography is antithetical to rock-solid Republican values. All Republicans should buy some."
"Myself, despite what they say about libertarians, I think we're actually allowed to pursue options beyond futility or sucking the dicks of the powerful." -- Eric the .5b

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Kolohe
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Kolohe » 05 Aug 2016, 13:06

Aresen wrote:
thoreau wrote:Paul Ryan: ‘The Comments Donald Trump Will Make Over The Next Few Months Are Regrettable’
Addressing recent inflammatory comments made by the GOP nominee, Ryan added that he just had a productive conversation identical to the dozens more he will have over the next three months with Trump.
Paul Ryan would probably just nod and sigh if he saw that now. If he survives next Tuesday, it is going to be a long three months.
I don't think Ryan is at risk in the primary (the reason Cantor lost is that he was asleep at the switch)

The question remains on how much Trump drags down down ticket races, (which the polls haven't shown so far) and Ryan may lose his speaker job (which he may be fine with).
when you wake up as the queen of the n=1 kingdom and mount your steed non sequiturius, do you look out upon all you survey and think “damn, it feels good to be a green idea sleeping furiously?" - dhex

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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 10 Aug 2016, 14:37

"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

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Fin Fang Foom
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Fin Fang Foom » 11 Aug 2016, 16:48

Boy the Onion did call it:

". . . even the federalist folk are probably a bit wary, and they're essentially cosplaying the preacher from footloose." - dhex

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lunchstealer
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by lunchstealer » 11 Aug 2016, 19:01

All hail the glow cloud, after all.
"The constitution is more of a BDSM agreement with a safe word." - Sandy

"Neoliberalism. Austerity. Booga booga!!!!" - JasonL

"We can't confirm rumors that Lynndie England is in the running to be Gina Haspel's personal aide." - DAR

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lunchstealer
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by lunchstealer » 17 Aug 2016, 17:35

Looks like they're starting to build their narrative for the Kaine Veepidency.

http://www.theonion.com/article/giddy-t ... lMarketing
"The constitution is more of a BDSM agreement with a safe word." - Sandy

"Neoliberalism. Austerity. Booga booga!!!!" - JasonL

"We can't confirm rumors that Lynndie England is in the running to be Gina Haspel's personal aide." - DAR

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Aresen
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Aresen » 17 Aug 2016, 17:43

lunchstealer wrote:Looks like they're starting to build their narrative for the Kaine Veepidency.

http://www.theonion.com/article/giddy-t ... lMarketing
Wonder what the odds are he will have to pick up the reins?

ETA: Also, he will never be Joe.
If Trump supporters wanted a tough guy, why did they elect such a whiny bitch? - Mo

Those who know history are doomed to deja vu. - the innominate one

Most people don't realize Stephen King downplayed the horror that is Maine. - Jennifer


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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 02 Sep 2016, 17:58

"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

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Aresen
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Aresen » 27 Sep 2016, 15:34

From the Onion's Canadian cousin:

Condos built without bathrooms.
This is That is an award winning satirical current affairs show that doesn't just talk about the issues, it fabricates them.
Seeing the quality of some contractors, the story is somewhat believable.
If Trump supporters wanted a tough guy, why did they elect such a whiny bitch? - Mo

Those who know history are doomed to deja vu. - the innominate one

Most people don't realize Stephen King downplayed the horror that is Maine. - Jennifer

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JD
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by JD » 27 Sep 2016, 17:32

Aresen wrote:Seeing the quality of some contractors, the story is somewhat believable.
I may have previously mentioned an apartment I used to live in. The bathroom had been redone right before I moved in, so it was nice and new. Except that the contractors had literally grouted the toilet tank and tank lid right into the wall tiles. As I said to the super, the toilet works fine for now, but if it ever breaks down, it will require taking a chisel to the wall to fix it.
"Millennials are lazy. They'd rather have avocado toast than cave in a man's skull with a tire iron!" -FFF

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Mo
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Mo » 05 Oct 2016, 22:54

Well played Clickhole, well played.
his voice is so soothing, but why do conspiracy nuts always sound like Batman and Robin solving one of Riddler's puzzles out loud? - fod

no one ever yells worldstar when a pet gets fucked up - dhex

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Andrew
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Andrew » 16 Oct 2016, 17:48

We live in the fucked age. Get used to it. - dhex

holy shit there will never be an end until the sweet release of death (as dictated by the death panels, natch) - lunch

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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 18 Oct 2016, 11:37

"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 15 Nov 2016, 16:04

"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 04 Jan 2017, 10:32

"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

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Mo
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Mo » 13 Jan 2017, 14:58

his voice is so soothing, but why do conspiracy nuts always sound like Batman and Robin solving one of Riddler's puzzles out loud? - fod

no one ever yells worldstar when a pet gets fucked up - dhex

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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 20 Jan 2017, 13:44

"ike Wile E. Coyote salivating over a "4000 Ways To Prepare Roadrunner" cookbook without watching his surroundings, the Road Runner of Societal Inertia snuck up on them both and beepbeeped them off the mesa."
--Shem

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Kolohe
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Kolohe » 20 Jan 2017, 19:25

when you wake up as the queen of the n=1 kingdom and mount your steed non sequiturius, do you look out upon all you survey and think “damn, it feels good to be a green idea sleeping furiously?" - dhex

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Mo
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Mo » 20 Jan 2017, 21:27

"where it paused to look back one last time at its old master before flying off toward a Yemeni tribal wedding"

Bravo.
his voice is so soothing, but why do conspiracy nuts always sound like Batman and Robin solving one of Riddler's puzzles out loud? - fod

no one ever yells worldstar when a pet gets fucked up - dhex

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