Onion that could've been in The News

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Aresen
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Aresen » 15 Feb 2019, 17:42

If Trump supporters wanted a tough guy, why did they elect such a whiny bitch? - Mo

Those who know history are doomed to deja vu. - the innominate one

Never bring a knife to a joke fight" - dhex

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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 20 Feb 2019, 23:55

"They were basically like D&D min maxers, but instead of pissing off their DM, they destroyed the global economy. Also, instead of their DM making a level 7 paladin fight a beholder as punishment, he got a +3 sword of turning."
--Mo

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Hugh Akston
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Hugh Akston » 12 Apr 2019, 20:12

"Is a Lulztopia the best we can hope for?!?" ~Taktix®
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Warren
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Warren » 13 Apr 2019, 11:06

Just when I thought The Onion was losing it's edge.
I think in terms of credibility and it's all black eyes as far as you can see in the media landscape. - JasonL

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Hugh Akston
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Hugh Akston » 16 Apr 2019, 17:29

"Is a Lulztopia the best we can hope for?!?" ~Taktix®
"Somali pirates are beholden to their hostages in a way that the USG is not." ~Dangerman

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Mo
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Mo » 04 May 2019, 18:35

his voice is so soothing, but why do conspiracy nuts always sound like Batman and Robin solving one of Riddler's puzzles out loud? - fod

no one ever yells worldstar when a pet gets fucked up - dhex

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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 08 May 2019, 11:24

New ‘Call Of Duty’ Career Mode Lets Player Join Raytheon’s Board Of Directors After Military Service
SANTA MONICA, CA—Introducing an update aimed at heightening the realism of the game, Activision announced Wednesday that a new career mode for Call Of Duty: Black Ops 4 allows playable characters who retire from the military to continue the fight by joining Raytheon’s board of directors. “Players who rack up enough confirmed kills in combat will now be able to take their adventure to the next level as they join a $50 billion company with the mission of building lethal weapons systems and maximizing profits for shareholders,” said Activision spokesperson Adam Bera, acknowledging this version of career mode tested better with gamers than a beta version in which the player is a discharged soldier who returns to his hometown, discovers there are few jobs available, and struggles to make ends meet. “Points are earned in career mode by attending meetings, securing hundreds of millions of dollars in Defense Department contracts, and appearing on cable news programs to fend off bad public relations for the military-industrial complex. Our award-winning developers even worked closely with current and former Raytheon executives to make sure all the golfing side quests in the game are as true to life as possible.” Bera went on to reveal that if Call Of Duty players beat career mode with 100% of achievements, they will be able to unlock Erik Prince as a playable character.
"They were basically like D&D min maxers, but instead of pissing off their DM, they destroyed the global economy. Also, instead of their DM making a level 7 paladin fight a beholder as punishment, he got a +3 sword of turning."
--Mo

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lunchstealer
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by lunchstealer » 08 May 2019, 14:29

OK I thought it was a barely-funny idea that went on way too long until the last sentence.
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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 13 May 2019, 22:02

"They were basically like D&D min maxers, but instead of pissing off their DM, they destroyed the global economy. Also, instead of their DM making a level 7 paladin fight a beholder as punishment, he got a +3 sword of turning."
--Mo

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Jennifer
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Jennifer » 15 May 2019, 18:17

Abused 12-Year-Old Alabama Girl Doesn’t Think She Can Handle Being A Mom On Top Of Everything Else
MONTGOMERY, AL—Conveying her concerns that the additional obstacles presented by parenthood would be too much to bear, 12-year-old abuse survivor Abigail Dunn was reportedly worried Wednesday that she wouldn’t be able to handle being a mom on top of everything else she had going on. “I have several book reports and a big algebra test coming up in the next few weeks, and I had even been thinking about trying out for my school’s chorus, but giving birth and caring for an infant is going to really cut into my studying time,” said the seventh-grader, who acknowledged that the intense feelings of shame and fear associated with trauma had already placed her significantly behind her peers and added that there would likely be even greater challenges to raising the offspring of the man who attacked her. “This year has been hard in a lot of ways. We had to move to a new neighborhood, and my family life has been very, very bad, especially recently. My relationship with my stepdad is pretty much a nightmare. I wish I were responsible enough to look after a baby, but I’m just so scared that I won’t be. I’m really sorry.” At press time, Dunn had expressed hope that her unborn child would be friends with the babies of all her fellow pregnant classmates.
"Myself, despite what they say about libertarians, I think we're actually allowed to pursue options beyond futility or sucking the dicks of the powerful." -- Eric the .5b

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Mo
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by Mo » 24 May 2019, 05:19

his voice is so soothing, but why do conspiracy nuts always sound like Batman and Robin solving one of Riddler's puzzles out loud? - fod

no one ever yells worldstar when a pet gets fucked up - dhex

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thoreau
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Re: Onion that could've been in The News

Post by thoreau » 09 Aug 2019, 10:50

Excerpts from a Timeline of Capital Punishment
2009:
Jesus Christ, does anyone in the building know how to find a vein?!

2019:
More states hoping to move past legacy of executing mentally ill people by letting cops kill them first.
"They were basically like D&D min maxers, but instead of pissing off their DM, they destroyed the global economy. Also, instead of their DM making a level 7 paladin fight a beholder as punishment, he got a +3 sword of turning."
--Mo

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